ripoff roulette #2

ripoff roulette #1

untitled

green light/not really an american

by timmy t jones

she was one of those people you just like to be around. she was one of the original five, or one of the original six. this fascinated me. we were headed uptown to the airport. then she remembered frank or billy, he was like a father or a brother to her. we went back downtown to look for him. we split up to look for him. i was walking along a construction site and these punks were laughing and coming toward me with plastic bags of blue paint. they were going to paint me blue. then there were only two of them and i got away we were going back uptown. she was driving. i thought, i'll never understand the traffic in this town. the light was red. three guys came up behind us on the sidewalk, the two on the outside holding up the one in the middle. he didn't look drunk, more like he was spastic or had serious problems. they were laughing about something - " that sounds like something you would hear at macdonalds". something about playing ball - i didn't get it because i'm not a real american. the guy on the outside turned into a fish/basketball and floated on his back in the gutter. the light turned green. i started to know it was a dream. i woke up. i never saw her again. i never knew who she was.

questionnaire, part 7: agreements

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26. ) which of the following statements do you agree with? please check all that apply. god is love love is the answer only love can break your heart it is nobody's business who you love it is nobody's business how you love a woman's place is in the home a man's home is his castle children should be seen and not heard it will all be the same a thousand years from now you can't beat city hall don't criticize someone if you haven't walked in their shoes people should mind their own business a dog is a man's best friend all cats are gray in the dark eve ate the apple religion makes people good religion makes people bad hitler was a bad person mother teresa was a good person albert einstein was a smart person marilyn monroe was a sexy person everybody will be famous for fifteen minutes nobody can tell another person what to do money can't buy happiness right wingers are soulless psychopaths racists and sexists and homophobes should be sent to reeducation camps a woman's body is her own everybody has a right to sex everybody has a right to love rape is about power eating meat is about power rapists and child molesters don't deserve trials child molesters should be disemboweled and burned alive capitalism is the root of all evil capitalism is rape the truth will out life is sacred life is what you make it death is not the end all religions are the same all people are the same all living creatures exist in a dance of love columbus discovered america there is no free lunch the truth will set you free a broken watch tells the right time twice a day god bless america support the troops all power to the people the people have taken to the streets the streets belong to the people always be for the underdog jewish bankers rule the world fags are against nature muslims are savages white people should go back to europe black people should go back to africa negroes were better off being slaves asian people should go back to china white people should be made slaves for two thousand years god made everyone equal all living creatures are equal evolution is a lie created by satan god is a white man who eats steak and plays golf everybody needs a little fun once in a while it's a long road that has no turning people are bad, they should be good real marxism has never been given a chance the important thing is to care when there is no more room on earth, the damned will go back to hell

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8 stories

by nick nelson

illustrations by pete palomine studios

the lion eddie was laid off. he went to the zoo every day to see the lion. the lion never seemed to recognize him. * possibility marcia wondered if she would ever become rich or famous. * young at heart on miranda's sixtieth birthday, she received a birthday card from ellen philips , a girl - obviously now a woman - whom she had not heard from since high school. how strange. * i told you so sherri went out with paul for five months before discovering he was married. she decided to take the beginner's beauty class at the y with amanda after all. * vengeance jerri was sick and tired of the way donna wasn't doing her share. she decided to get her good. even if it meant going to jail. * evil roberta hated the night shift. she hated walking the block from the bus stop at four in the morning. she especially hated the cat in the window. * kindness "don't you like my kitty?" "of course i do." * insolence "i wouldn't mind if these young people had no sense of style, if only they weren't so damned rude and full of themselves." *

7 stories

by nick nelson

illustrations by pete palomine studios

excuses "i expected nothing from you, clarice, and you have not disappointed." * the zombie "look at that guy, he just won't give up." "are you sure it's the same guy?' "it's the same guy, he was in here last night and the night before. hey, asshole! hey, dickbrain! yeah, you! that's the most pathetic costume i ever saw! " "leave the poor bastard alone." * the quick and the dead "stop stirring your coffee like that. you're driving me crazy." "it's just a habit." " it's a habit you better stop." "no." * fear parker was afraid. all the time, of everything. when people met her and she told them her plight, most were sympathetic. but they quickly grew tired of her constant whining and paranoid fantasies, especially as the fantasies had no originality. she was left alone with her cat. her cat possessed by demons. * solitude jerry did not care much for his fellow humans. he wished he could live in the desert. but there were no doughnuts in the desert. jerry liked doughnuts and could not live without them. * just for a thrill when norbert was nine years old, he found a can of lighter fluid and talked his friends ralphie and ernesto into setting geraldine jefferson on fire. at the juvenile court hearing, norbert's mother described him as a sweetie pie. * the joke's on you "you thought it was free? no." *

12 stories

by nick nelson

illustrations supplied by pete palomine studios and penmarq studios

excuses terry was tired of jerry's excuses. it was time to settle their accounts, mark a clean break and move on. terry sat down and drew up a list of their resources, and wrote a prospectus on the best way to split them. jerry didn't see it that way. * horticulture maria liked to plant flowers. her garden was her life. bud, her boy friend, was a mean drunk and grew jealous of maria's flowers. one day when maria went to pick up some chinese food, bud pulled up all her flowers. then he disappeared. * variety rick was a guy who grew bored very easily. as a child he had been diagnosed with some kind of symptom or syndrome. he was particularly given to eating combinations of foods that his fellow humans found disgusting. eventually all his friends drifted away. * don't get me started nate used to watch a lot of television, but after cindy left him he got more interested in politics. he developed strong opinions, especially on immigration and the second amendment. but nobody cared what he thought. * emptiness sometimes, when the sun went down, and the last siren died away in the lonely streets, sid would just sit in the dark and look out his window (he only had one) at nothing. * defeat "that was your last warning." * gratitude when barry was down and out, leon came through for him big time. and never let him forget it. * obsolescence "i'm sorry, jonathon, i can't use these." "not one? not a single one out of fourteen?" "not a single one. sorry." * world of tomorrow mona walked slowly down the steps from the door of the spacecraft. her breath was taken away by her first sight of the intergalactic capital, and its magnificent dome. she felt someone nudge her from behind. "come on, lady, time is money." * undertow "helpless?" * appropriate attire "i do not think that is appropriate attire for the theater, raymond. please change into something less proletarian." "but i don't have have time." "you do have time." "we'll be late." "if we are late, when we return i shall have you flogged." "might we still have ice cream after the show?" "why not?" * beauty and the beast "walter, do you think i am still beautiful?" "good lord, what a question to ask a man before he has finished his first drink." "your first drink of the evening, you mean." "don't provoke me, my dear. it won't do." *